25 Reasons Why the Wii U Will Fail

I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

“I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.”

In recent years it has become delectably de rigueur to predict the failure of any new piece of consumer technology. In many cases these predictions occur months before the product has even been released; the farther out from launch that one might foresee the demise of something like the Vita or the Wii U, the more experience points one accrues in Internet Idiot: A Real-Life Roleplaying Game. For the living malignancies who polish their Johnnies on forecasting calamity for everything from this to this to that (but not without first prefacing their mealy mouthed prophecies with backhanded, qualified praise), the game goes on forever, and there is no level cap.

In the past I’ve been scornful of such cowardly prognostications, but I’ve decided to toss my cookies into the arena of equivocating Milquetoast dipshittery and mop the floor with these blowhards, who have no idea how to properly predict failure, and who can’t even offer a cogent opinion without hedging their bets against their own piss-poor extrapolation skills and their insatiable appetite for destruction. Read and learn, my indecisive disciples of sophistry and magic. Read and learn…

25 Reasons Why the Wii U Will Fail, In Order As They Occur to Me

1. Can’t be pull-started — when I was a kid, my dad had a lawnmower. It was the most popular lawnmower in the store. It was red, and you had to start it with a pull cord, which made me tired. The Wii U doesn’t have a pull cord, so it probably won’t make you tired, but the Wii U isn’t red. The Wii U will fail.

2. No analog triggers — all the best first-person FPS shooting games (Blacksite: Area 51, Hour of Victory, Legendary) have appeared on game systems that have analog triggers on their controllers, which everyone knows are teh best for shooting. The Wii U — much like its counterpart in gaming inadequacy, the PC — doesn’t have analog triggers. The Wii U will fail.

3. Not a duck — The Wii U is not a duck. Ducks are the shit. The Wii U will fail.

4. Lousy gas mileage — The EPA fuel economy ratings for the Wii U are so bad that they haven’t even been published. The Toyota Prius gets 50 miles per gallon. Toyota sells a lot of Prius(es). The Wii U is not a Prius. The Wii U will fail.

5. Bad third-party support — if the Wii U were a political party, it would be the Libertarians. The Wii U will fail, and no one will notice.

6. Blue game boxes — Seriously? Smurfs are blue. Smurfs suck. The Wii U will fail. And suck.

7. Anything that Francis hates will fail — Francis hates the Wii U. You know the rest.

8. Just a money grab — All Nintendo did was upgrade the graphics. You should just play your Wii and save some money, because you clearly can’t afford to spend $299. The Wii U will fail, and you’re a penny-pinching loser.

9. No nuts — Almond Joy’s got nuts. Mounds don’t. And neither does the Wii U.

10. Fingerprint magnate — The GamePad in the Wii U Deluxe Set is glossy and black, making it prone to collecting lots of greasy fingerprints. Anything with fingerprints on it can’t possibly be fun, or worth owning. Big, thick, extra-crispy-with-buttered-biscuits fingerprint fail for Wii U.

11. The name is stupid — It’s either a shout of exaltation or the cry of someone who had the MegaColossal BurritoBlaster for lunch and wants to share with you its noxious aftereffects. Wii U for the flatulence fail.

12. The GamePad controller is not an iPhone — Personally, I was shocked when I found out this out. The GamePad controller should be every bit as impressive as every piece of tech that has ever come out before it, including the iPhone, the iPad, the Vita, and Burt Reynolds, who (as anyone who has seen In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale can attest) is just a robot in an expensive wig, anyway.

(If you read down to point number two in that perfectly objective and undeniably informative article, you’ll see the claim that “when the game GameCube came out it had the brilliant Resident Evil 4 as an exclusive.” That could have been true, if the launch window for the GameCube were just over three years long; the GameCube was released in November of 2001, while the brilliant Resident Evil 4 was released in January of 2005.) Never doubt About.com’s credibility, I tell you.

13. Comes with an HDMI cable — The Wii U comes only with an HDMI cable, which means that if your TV doesn’t support HDMI, you won’t be able to use the Wii U without first purchasing an expensive adapter or a completely different set of cables. We’re on to you, Nintendo. We, the savvy and knowledgeable consumers of this great land of ours, will not be duped by your coldhearted corporate conspiracy to take our money and leave us out in the snow with no place to live and a child what need an operation and no Wii U to play. Big stupid cable fail for the Wii U, you greedy destroyers of everything good and pure and beautiful in the world!

"I've just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It's going to go 100% failure in 72 hours."

“I’ve just picked up a fault in the AE35 unit. It’s going to go 100% failure in 72 hours.”

14. I can’t find my keys — If I can’t find my keys, how am I supposed to get to the mall to buy a Wii U? If a company expects to sell its products, it should at least make sure that we, the savvy and knowledgeable consumers of this great land of ours, have a way to buy its products, and that means giving us a ride to the mall. Transportation fail for the Wii U.

15. Costs too much — I’ve already demonstrated that the Wii U is nothing but a greedy money grab by one of the greediest companies around, but the fact that it’s priced at $350 for the Deluxe Set only underscores the dollar signs that float, Scrooge McDuck-like, in the sclera of every executive at Nintendo of Japan and Nintendo of America. With the success of the Wii, Nintendo can afford to sell the Wii U for a much more reasonable price point. (You get bonus experience in Internet Idiot: A Real-Life Roleplaying Game if you use the words “price point” and “ecosystem” in every article that you write.) The Wii U should be $20, but it’s not, and it will fail. Ecosystem.

16. No good games — Everyone knows that Nintendo only makes games for kids. Kids don’t have any money, so the need to make good games diminishes with the attenuated purchasing power of the under-18 demographic. (XP bonus!) As a result, there will be no good games on the Wii U, just like there were no good games on the Nintendo 64, the GameCube (except the brilliant Resident Evil 4), and the Wii Super Nintendo. No good games = Wii U failz.

17. Runs too hot — The Wii U has extra stuff inside which makes it heat up when you turn it on. It will likely also heat up your living room, and your house, and your neighborhood, and the planet, on and on until the polar ice caps melt, thereby permitting you to buy oceanfront property in Tucson. By that time you won’t be able to play your Wii U because it will fail, and because Nintendo hates the planet and your great-great grandchildren too.

18. Runs too slow — When a studio like 4A speaks, you should listen. They’ve got an impressive array of mid-tier title under their belt, which has sold hundreds of thousands of copies over the last two-and-a-half years, and their CTO says that the Wii U’s processor is “horrible, slow.” 4A knows Wii U will have horrible, slow fail.

19. Randy Pitchford likes it — When the guy who’s responsible for resurrecting the most disappointing game franchise of the last 15 years speaks, you shouldn’t listen. The man who crammed Duke Nukem Forever down the throat of the world, assaulting the uvulas of children and little old ladies alike, should be forced to spend 1000…no, 10,000 hours handing out feminine hygiene products at a women’s shelter so he can witness firsthand the destructive effects of his game on the lives of real women in today’s brutally patriarchal and oppressively misogynistic culture. Massive sexist Gearbox insensitivity fail for the Wii U.

20. The Next Xbox and PlayStation 4 will be better — If you look down the vast and varied timeline of gaming history, you’ll see that the most powerful console has always been the one that tops the sales charts; from the GameGear’s roughneck teabagging of the Game Boy, to the Nintendo 64’s domination of the PlayStation, to the Xbox completely ripping the ‘nads off the PlayStation 2, to the PlayStation 3 bitch-slapping the Xbox 360, both of those in turn manhandling the Wii, and the PlayStation Vita embarrassing the 3DS by yanking off its pants and laughing at its stubby little stylus, the machine that crams the most MBs and GBs and DDRs into its svelte plastic body cavity will always come out ahead. Always. Save your money and buy a console that hasn’t even been announced yet. Detumescent MHz fail for the Wii U.

21. The GamePad controller is too big — People will never want to play games on anything that size. It’s heavy, it’s unwieldy, it’s low-res, it’s black, it’s gimmicky. Also, the battery lasts approximately only three hours; there’s no way that people could possibly enjoy themselves in such a scant amount of time, especially while they’re within relatively easy reach of an electrical outlet.

22. Nolan Bushnell is baffled — If the guy who invented copied Pong from Magnavox can’t get behind your system, you’re screwed. Good luck, Nintendo; the man who left the industry in 1979 says he doesn’t see the need for another console. End-of-an-era fail for the Wii U. Ecosystem.

23. Commas suck — The people who write about other people writing about other people talking about the Wii U don’t use commas. The Wii U doesn’t use commas either. Stupid-ass grammatical fail for the Wii U!

24. Launched on a Sunday — Since its North American launch on Tuesday, October 26th, 2000, the PlayStation 2 has sold over 150 million units. The Xbox (24 million units) was released on Thursday, November 15th, 2001. The Xbox 360 (70 million units) was released on November 16th, 2005, a Wednesday. The PlayStation 3 (70 million units) was released on Friday, November 17th, 2006. The Wii (97 million units) was released on a Sunday (November 26th, 2006), as was the GameCube (21 million units, November 18th, 2001). Consoles that are released on a Sunday are outsold by the competition by a margin of 3-to-1. Days-of-the-week underpants fail for the Wii U!

25. Reggie — Rhymes with wedgie. That’s all you need to know.

So what do you think? Does the Wii U have the muscle to overtake and dominate and demolish and obliterate the competition? Or will it be annihilated due to the realization of one or more of the above scenarios? Or does the overuse of destructive hyperbole in gaming journalism indicate a binary standard of success and failure at work in the commentator’s premises, thereby exposing him as an unrepentant knob who predicts catastrophe because it is the very thing that he most wants to see in the world?

Only time will tell for sure.

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